tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-69269757454797364072023-11-16T03:12:14.608-08:00No Roads Lead to RomeRandom (a)musings from the author of "No Roads Lead to Rome" and "Aqueduct to Nowhere" R.S. Gompertzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427834064510617964noreply@blogger.comBlogger46125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6926975745479736407.post-52572870849836545992017-06-01T06:07:00.000-07:002017-06-01T06:07:05.933-07:00"Life's Big Zoo:" Coming of Age in Laurel Canyon, 1968<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9djzXlX_r1Z_n_6GNkjxYrvhKT8K4UoVZt_cPCJi0ziBlx6A3cNFAaX9iglr3etW4FNItb9Kvh4FwuvNVMxL5uKnBJpuwVVRTSGwcmhPmIPgFR3Aqp6tDOEE8w1GmPRHAv_NBaMiu8-wI/s1600/LBZ-finalebookcover-96dpi.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="730" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9djzXlX_r1Z_n_6GNkjxYrvhKT8K4UoVZt_cPCJi0ziBlx6A3cNFAaX9iglr3etW4FNItb9Kvh4FwuvNVMxL5uKnBJpuwVVRTSGwcmhPmIPgFR3Aqp6tDOEE8w1GmPRHAv_NBaMiu8-wI/s320/LBZ-finalebookcover-96dpi.jpg" width="210" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“Life’s
Big Zoo” started off as a memoir and, like most memoirs, quickly turned into a
fictional catcher in the rye bread, Jewish with an emphasis on “-ish” coming of
age story set in L.A.’s Laurel Canyon, summer of ‘68 housed in an eclectic
family with a refugee father, missing-in-action mother, wannabe rock star
brother, wise and feisty Holocaust-surviving granny, and a suspected Nazi
neighbor on a street named Wonderland that winds slightly to the left of the
galactic center of the folk rock universe. </span><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"></span><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">The
story of a precocious kid growing up between the shadow of the holocaust and
the bright lights of the sixties is heavily influenced by my own experience
coming of age in Los Angeles on the fringes the sixties. </span><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> </span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.3in; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"></span><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Being
raised Jewish in a tumultuous era contributed to my perspective and isolation. My
dad wouldn’t let me join the Boy Scouts because the uniforms reminded him of the
Hitler Youth of his traumatic childhood in Nazi Germany. I don’t remember not
knowing about the Holocaust that my father and his parents escaped just in
time. Most of their extended family weren’t so lucky.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Growing up with this history meant being an
outsider in mainstream America.</span><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">But
in the sixties, outsiders were everywhere. The sixties were a time for seeking
meaning and searching outside one’s faith or tribe of origin for universal
truths. I was very aware of this, even as a kid. 1968 was a year that still
looms larger than life. Rigged elections, assassinations, wars, riots,
rock and roll.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.3in; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I set the story in Laurel Canyon because I grew up nearby, though
I was too young to fully participate. The Canyon was home to Joni Mitchell, CSNY,
The Doors, and everyone in between (including The Monkees, my favorite band at
the time).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Laurel Canyon was an artistic
and cultural nexus like Paris between the world wars or Woodstock, NY on the
other side of the country. “Colorful” would be an understatement. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"></span><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">But
color is the flip side of darkness and I saw plenty of both. Like Max Strauss,
my young protagonist, I saw the sixties unfolding from the window of the Los
Angeles city bus I rode across town to my “special” elementary school. I
listened to KHJ (“<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Boss Radio for Boss
Angeles</i>!”) and Wolfman Jack on my transistor radio, graduated to FM,
dreamed of starting a garage band, and was scared by the nightly news.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> </span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.3in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I figured
that if the H-bomb didn’t get me, the war would. Few of my classmates expected
to live past the age of thirty and some didn’t. In the book, Max’s musician
brother, the draft-age, poor student Tommy, brings the specter of Vietnam, the
spirit of rebellion and the dream of love, peace, and music. In the sixties and
early seventies, lots of our big brothers went off to war or took to the streets
to fight against it.</span><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> </span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.3in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Early readers
love the feisty Nana character who survived Dachau and refuses to let history
repeat. While humor permeates the entire story, there’s also increasing gravitas
as Max and Nana tries to resolve and unfinished family mystery in Germany. </span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.3in; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">We’d all like to think of ourselves as heroes, but history suggests
that most of us would remain silent if threatened. In “Life’s Big Zoo” I suggest
that heroism wears many faces and has no age limit.</span><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I’m hoping that baby boomers will find some universal truths and
that younger readers will learn something about their parents (and grandparents!)
in seeing the kaleidoscopic world of 1968 through the eyes of a twelve year-old
mensch.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.3in; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"></span><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Among the many wise things my
grandmother told me one that rings true time and again is that God keeps a big
zoo. In the summer of 1968 I joined the menagerie.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"></span><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I hope you enjoy the ride.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbW-qstnc2Z97m1Ex_Kiz3I9HEi27FjHQLoSy1zyDKu2Ck0GnuOQn6idxkPnEtj5fpg3DrFnOMtlS4Q8feq_tviOX8zc6lUhfwUdaCwTCDu0FirsT6ncdqvq06I9-F4-n8X2im1EzgDNwA/s1600/Canyon+Store+I.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1094" data-original-width="831" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbW-qstnc2Z97m1Ex_Kiz3I9HEi27FjHQLoSy1zyDKu2Ck0GnuOQn6idxkPnEtj5fpg3DrFnOMtlS4Q8feq_tviOX8zc6lUhfwUdaCwTCDu0FirsT6ncdqvq06I9-F4-n8X2im1EzgDNwA/s320/Canyon+Store+I.jpg" width="241" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Country Store Mural<br />
(Image courtesy of Spike Stewart)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">www.noroadsleadtorome.com</div>R.S. Gompertzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427834064510617964noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6926975745479736407.post-4609433911029417622017-04-09T17:09:00.000-07:002017-04-09T17:09:59.133-07:00A Sedona Vortex Almost Killed Granny
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Sedona, Arizona. New Age Mecca. Home of the mysterious vortex. <br /><br />After a day of hiking the red rock canyons, my wife and I went to investigate Airport Mesa, a local vortex site, to see if we could feel the legendary power emanating from deep within the earth. <br /><br />Scorpions. Rattlesnakes. Black widow spiders. Coyotes. Wild boars. White women carrying babies on their backs and revolvers on their hips. Seems like everything in Arizona can kill you. Surely the vortex would offer some balance to the relentless assault of natural hazards. <br /><br />After competing for a parking place with drivers who were less than mellow, we climbed up to the mesa and competed for photo opportunities. Nobody was meditating or doing yoga. No chanting. The closest thing to interpretive dance was a kid trying to bug his grandmother by doing the Gangnam Style dance. He seemed to be having a spiritual moment. She wasn’t.<br /><br />I couldn’t feel any earth vibrations but the sky was darkening and the views were beautiful. <br /><br />A storm was approaching so we stayed to watch it arrive alongside the frail old woman whose family and dancing grandson had already descended. <br /><br />Big mistake. <br /><br />When the wind gusts hit, we were nearly knocked off the top of the summit. (The next day, I would learn that the gusts had hit 55 miles/hour up there. To get a sense of this, stick your head outside the car next time you’re driving down the freeway.) <br /><br />My wife smartly dropped to her knees to minimize wind resistance. <br /><br />The old woman was disoriented and her oversized jacket filled like a sail. She was about to paraglide off the edge when I grabbed her thin arm. Her jacket hood blew over her face. My face was getting pelted by the fine red dust that makes the region so beautiful when it’s not trying to kill you. <br /><br />Both of us were in trouble until my wife grabbed the woman’s other arm and guided her to a cable that serves as a guide rail. <br /><br />Once stabilized, I looked down the hillside and saw the old woman’s adult son or son-in-law watching the whole drama unfurl. I waved frantically, hoping he would come and help his scared and uncooperative old granny, but he just turned and left. Not exactly a moment of new age love and understanding. <br /><br />The three of us we all inched down the hillside half-blinded by stinging dust, buffeted by the crazy winds gusting out of the canyon. It was really scary. <br /><br />So, yeah, I got my vortex. <br /><br />Truth is, it almost got me.
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOZZ3Qau5tN_CYqJvTFi947a5QPg67OWN1bX48BqqgFVqWQavF397L25yz4IXjBBHKRz_J6CysS56w-zNDMvKDtbQ6IUknGt0xmkMtGGXHCL3lThUtqZTmve-h-CU5ZWe5jA1bhKG_7K9C/s1600/Sedona+-+View+from+Airport+Mesa.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOZZ3Qau5tN_CYqJvTFi947a5QPg67OWN1bX48BqqgFVqWQavF397L25yz4IXjBBHKRz_J6CysS56w-zNDMvKDtbQ6IUknGt0xmkMtGGXHCL3lThUtqZTmve-h-CU5ZWe5jA1bhKG_7K9C/s400/Sedona+-+View+from+Airport+Mesa.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">View from the Vortex</td></tr>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">www.noroadsleadtorome.com</div>R.S. Gompertzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427834064510617964noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6926975745479736407.post-78866597012204212972016-12-10T08:32:00.000-08:002016-12-10T08:34:38.049-08:00Keep Saturn in Saturnalia!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkdRe5zoV4K26wE2spGxFbelHi5DQpWDxKlWwmk1TGbxvyuYhRzJs8Tp5PMS6q2rbZ9x6ueIz5ouiNiC1Gu3IbOjE3Qb1iSk-Mb9aQSmvVUJpJDDX_USO2fvkCYK7cElSxvjGrSz__3-68/s1600/Sol-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkdRe5zoV4K26wE2spGxFbelHi5DQpWDxKlWwmk1TGbxvyuYhRzJs8Tp5PMS6q2rbZ9x6ueIz5ouiNiC1Gu3IbOjE3Qb1iSk-Mb9aQSmvVUJpJDDX_USO2fvkCYK7cElSxvjGrSz__3-68/s320/Sol-2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><strong><span style="font-size: large;">Sol Invictus</span></strong></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 6pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #333333; font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 9.5pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 6pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #333333; font-family: "georgia" , serif; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">After a grim and grueling year,
our well-deserved D</span><span lang="EN" style="color: #333333; font-family: "georgia" , serif; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">ecember holiday is finally
here. We will don pointy red hats, exchange gifts, and eat too much. Drink we
must and drink we will. We will celebrate the Birth of The Lord on December
25th.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 6pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #333333; font-family: "georgia" , serif; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Time to party like its 123 A.D.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 6pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #333333; font-family: "georgia" , serif; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The festival of Saturnalia starts on December
17th and culminates with the birthday of our glorious Sol Invictus on the
25th. We pray and sacrifice for King Sol to light our benighted world.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 6pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #333333; font-family: "georgia" , serif; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">It’s the most beautiful time of the year, the joyful season
when both the poor and the mighty decorate their shops, homes and streets with
brightly colored ornaments when. We light candles and hang lanterns to counter
winter’s darkness. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our neighbors and co-workers
wear outlandish outfits, and many enjoy the temporary suspension of public
morality to dance, disrobe, and engage in acts that would be make a pig blush
during the rest of the year. For those who need extra encouragement there will
be mulled wine and spiced drink to lubricate long nights of wild irreverence. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 6pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #333333; font-family: "georgia" , serif; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Don’t hold back! What happens in Saturnalia, stays in
Saturnalia</span></div>
<br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 6pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #333333; font-family: "georgia" , serif; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Every city, town and village will designate a “Lord of
Misrule” to lead the way, encourage mayhem, and speak truth to power. Remember:
short of murder, nothing you say or do during Saturnalia can be held against
you. Bosses become workers and workers, bosses. The meek inherit the
earth and turn it upside down, if only for a week. So stick it to The Man and enjoy
it while it lasts.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 6pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #333333; font-family: "georgia" , serif; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Alas, no good tradition goes unpunished. There is a dark
side to all the merriment. Prudish forces of political correctness are trying
to co-opt our ancient ways. The holier-than-thou insist upon saying “Happy
Holidays” instead of “Io Saturnalia.” These self-proclaimed saints demand that
the traditional week of debauchery be replaced with just one quiet, solemn day
on the December 25th. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 6pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #333333; font-family: "georgia" , serif; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Don’t be fooled by these repressed pilgrims! The
puritanical few should not be allowed to dictate morality over those of us who
honor tradition. We true believers must hold fast to our lasciviousness and
sacrifice. And when it comes to sacrifice, don't forget that the Gods prefer
suckling pigs.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 6pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #333333; font-family: "georgia" , serif; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Io Saturnalia!</span><span lang="EN" style="color: #333333; font-family: "georgia" , serif; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 6pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 6pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia;"><em>Want more? The first chapter of "Aqueduct to Nowhere" will transport you back to the Saturnalia festivities and chaos that follows in 123 A.D..</em></span></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">www.noroadsleadtorome.com</div>R.S. Gompertzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427834064510617964noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6926975745479736407.post-4886808941155774642013-11-23T08:42:00.002-08:002013-11-23T08:42:13.094-08:00Aqueduct to Nowhere<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMr7mb2lRXpN5BrgC1FjITjkZ-QwyHYP-bMADu1-aCnFf-z0XfdE4c-Nxo87WJhZA4hC7Qek3EXeUNwZIbkITO6E3PRuT4dFMZWt9MPhkO5t38sTuZxxGhDkw4kvgS-NjQtaYcgk5HHeUl/s1600/Kindle+Cover+Thumbnail+15Nov13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMr7mb2lRXpN5BrgC1FjITjkZ-QwyHYP-bMADu1-aCnFf-z0XfdE4c-Nxo87WJhZA4hC7Qek3EXeUNwZIbkITO6E3PRuT4dFMZWt9MPhkO5t38sTuZxxGhDkw4kvgS-NjQtaYcgk5HHeUl/s320/Kindle+Cover+Thumbnail+15Nov13.jpg" width="218" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
It took four years and many re-writes, but "Aqueduct to Nowhere," the sequel to "No Roads Lead to Rome," is finally here! Given that "No Roads" took about nine years to get published, one could argue that I'm getting faster. Initial reviews suggest I might be getting better, too.<br />
<br />
In <a href="http://noroadsleadtorome.blogspot.com/2011/07/why-i-wrote-no-roads-lead-to-rome.html" target="_blank">blog post here</a>, I wrote about how the "No Roads" story found me and how its colorful characters colonized my mind. Many of the bamboozlers, fools, heroes and sages who navigated the chaos and obstacles of "No Roads" have returned in "Aqueduct." <br />
<br />
The saga takes place during the week of Saturnalia, a solstice festival that was wilder than the wildest Mardi Gras imaginable. Slaves become masters and masters, slaves. Anything goes and often does.<br />
<br />
The action kicks off immediately when a low level security guard named Gaius Severus, the hapless conscript from "No Roads," is kidnapped for initiation into the mysterious cult of Mithras, God of Soldiers.<br />
<br />
Severus would have liked nothing better than to forget his Jewish origins and assimilate into a comfortable position within the imperial administration. Unfortunately, his rebel brother Marius is hades-bent on overthrowing the empire with outlandish stunts and protests. Worse, his strong and psychic girlfriend Lena joins forces with a ship full of female pirates who came to settle a grudge with the inept <em>bon vivant</em> Governor Festus Rufius. <br />
<br />
Gaius Severus wanted a quiet life and he's rewarded with the opposite. He didn't ask to be thrust into a world full of thieving politicians, rogue praetorians, assassins and rioting citizens but he rises to each occasion, survives, thrives and solves a few mysteries along the way.<br />
<br />
The indie success of "No Roads" helped me develop a thick skin. When one critic said that he enjoyed the back of a Cornflakes box better than my novel I studied the cereal box for insights and posted a <a href="http://noroadsleadtorome.blogspot.com/2012/05/one-star-review.html" target="_blank">one-star review here</a> and on Amazon. <br />
<br />
That said, I appreciate the thoughtful reviews, good and bad, and tried to learn from them all. With the exception of a couple of excursions I couldn't resist, in "Aqueduct" I tried to avoid tangents that amused me but dissipated story momentum. I developed strong female characters and let them kick some ass. My people are more three dimensional, their internal and external conflicts more human. There's even a bit of romance.<br />
<br />
Ancient Tarragona, Spain in A.D. 123 was an age where many Gods and cults were competing for one's devotion, a time when might made right and those with the gold made the rules. One superpower, Rome, ruled supreme but there were cracks along the edges of the empire. <br />
<br />
As in our world today, corruption, incompetence, and self-interest competed with hope and idealism to drive history forward. Then, as now, people were still people--their pathos, quirks and foibles fertile ground for humor. Have we changed all that much over the millennia or is really our world I'm writing about? <br />
<br />
There's no better time than the past to laugh at the present. Historical friction.<br />
<br />
I hope you enjoy "Aqueduct to Nowhere." If you agree it was worth the wait, please spread the word by posting a review at Amazon, Goodreads, or elsewhere.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<em>"No Roads to Rome" and "Aqueduct to Nowhere" can be found at </em><a href="http://www.amazon.com/R.-S.-Gompertz/e/B0030IWOJ4/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_pop_1" target="_blank"><em>Amazon USA</em></a><em> and </em><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/R.S.-Gompertz/e/B0030IWOJ4/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_pop_1/280-2048846-3342826" target="_blank"><em>Amazon UK</em></a><em> as well as other sites.</em></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">www.noroadsleadtorome.com</div>R.S. Gompertzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427834064510617964noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6926975745479736407.post-16657172468703836172013-11-08T07:55:00.000-08:002013-11-08T07:55:04.498-08:00Sorry, RingoI grew up worshiping the Beatles. I've listened to them on every format from the little radio I immortalized on <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zcAkCCVf8_o" target="_blank">YouTube</a> to the cloud player that doesn't sound any better than that old nine-volt transistor radio. I've bought Abbey Road in vinyl, cassette, CD, and MP3. As soon as I verified that my kids ears worked, I pumped Yellow Submarine into their heads. <br />
<br />
In addition to some serious philosophy, The Beatles had a whimsical sense of humor. So what took me so long to spoof them in this piece called <a href="http://www.sagenews.ca/Article.asp?id=3275&title=Ringo-Marries-Yoko" target="_blank">Ringo Marries Yoko</a> and why do I feel guilty for dumping a bit of satire on those two?<br />
<br />
I feel similar angst over the piece where I announced that the <a href="http://www.sagenews.ca/Article.asp?id=3272&title=Cirque-du-Soleil-Denounces-Abstract-Performances" target="_blank">Cirque du Soleil</a> would abandon their artsy abstract performances. After denouncing shows that only grad students can understand, the article goes on to describe a new show that only a grad student could understand. <br />
<br />
In <a href="http://www.sagenews.ca/Article.asp?id=3271" target="_blank">Disney Buys the Holy Land</a>, I offer a viable solution to the Israel/Palestine dispute: turn the whole region into a theme park. Disney's touch will, by definition, render Jerusalem the happiest place on earth. When it comes to ideas for rides, spectacles, and action figures, Lord knows the Holy Land has material to spare.<br />
<br />
By now, everyone on earth has lived through at least one financial meltdown caused by someone else's greed. My pieces entitled "<a href="http://www.sagenews.ca/Article.asp?id=3264" target="_blank">Downsize your Children</a>" and "<a href="http://www.sagenews.ca/Article.asp?id=3266" target="_blank">Kick Your Assets</a>" are intended as helpful guidance for navigating the next Wall Street induced crisis.<br />
<br />
One way to combat financial Armageddon would be to fix the US healthcare system. In "<a href="http://www.sagenews.ca/Article.asp?id=3251" target="_blank">Buggy Obamacare Website Cost More than Iraq War</a>," I postulate that the cure might kill the patient. No worries! We can always migrate to Canada for free health care.<br />
<br />
Speaking of Canada ... because these pieces show up in <a href="http://www.sagenews.ca/Articles.asp" target="_blank">The Sage</a>, a Canadian humor site, I felt obliged to pick on my northern neighbors in "<a href="http://www.sagenews.ca/Article.asp?id=3259" target="_blank">US Immigration Refused Entry to Migrating Geese</a>." Humor aside, those geese are lovely to see in flight but kind of disgusting up close.<div class="blogger-post-footer">www.noroadsleadtorome.com</div>R.S. Gompertzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427834064510617964noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6926975745479736407.post-86820707362183005322013-10-08T07:16:00.002-07:002013-10-08T07:31:12.456-07:00Buenos Dias, Canada!I'm celebrating the release of "Aqueduct to Nowhere," the standalone sequel to "No Roads Lead to Rome" by trying to make Canada laugh. <br />
<br />
This attempt at cross-border humor may result in the first Nobel Peace Prize for Satire or a warrant for my arrest in Saskatoon. <br />
<br />
The good folks at <a href="http://sagenews.ca/Articles.asp" target="_blank">The Sage News</a> have created a kinder, gentler, sillier alternative to The Onion. (They would have called it The Scallion, but an obstinate old farmer from Blubber Bay refuses to sell the URL.)<br />
<br />
My recent pieces range from an expose of <a href="http://sagenews.ca/Article.asp?id=3164" target="_blank">House Jock vs. Senate Nerd Towel Snapping in the US Capitol</a> to a thoughtful bit called <a href="http://sagenews.ca/Article.asp?id=3173" target="_blank">Obamacare Unleashes Armageddon</a> about how uninsured Americans have such superior healthcare that they are willing to die for it.<br />
<br />
I'm sure the busy folks in Meat Cove and Loon Lake share my dislike of top ten lists. That's why I wrote the <a href="http://sagenews.ca/Article.asp?id=3182" target="_blank">Top 10 Reasons to Avoid Top 10 Lists</a> and followed quickly with a tweet-able Top 10 list on <a href="http://sagenews.ca/Article.asp?id=3191" target="_blank">How to Master Twitter in 10 Easy Tweets.</a><br />
<br />
The <a href="http://sagenews.ca/Article.asp?id=3175" target="_blank">Epic Shutdown of the US Government</a> will probably be over by the time my tweets reach the Yukon Territories, but I was thoughtful enough to share the benefits in case my northern neighbors ever wonder why so many non-essential US Government workers snuck across the border to find work during the crisis.<br />
<br />
Note that none of these bits mention my sequel because self-promotion might be considered impolite in Dingwall, Moose Jaw, and Snafu Creek. I'm sure that my seven or eight readers in Nippers Harbour will appreciate my kindler, gentler, almost indirect approach to marketing. That's why I wrote this piece about <a href="http://sagenews.ca/Article.asp?id=3188" target="_blank">My Big Fat Facebook Divorce.</a><br />
<br />
Finally, I'm well aware that some of Canada is bilingual and I humbly apologize to the wonderful Spanish speaking people of Quebec for the somewhat English nature of my writing. <em>Lo siento, amigos.</em><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<em>The decline and fall of damn near everything continues in <a href="http://www.amazon.ca/Aqueduct-to-Nowhere-ebook/dp/B00FM6OKQW/ref=sr_1_3?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1381241026&sr=1-3" target="_blank">Aqueduct to Nowhere</a>, the sequel to <a href="http://www.amazon.ca/No-Roads-Lead-Rome-ebook/dp/B002U0M5YC/ref=sr_1_1_bnp_1_kin?ie=UTF8&qid=1381240962&sr=8-1&keywords=gompertz+roads" target="_blank">No Roads Lead to Rome</a>.</em></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">www.noroadsleadtorome.com</div>R.S. Gompertzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427834064510617964noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6926975745479736407.post-21847331299009006722013-08-18T08:07:00.000-07:002013-08-18T08:07:03.098-07:00How I Lost the War
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">The phone rang around midnight.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">“Wake up you smart ass Jew-boy!” a drunkard shouted.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">It was my belligerent landlord, Mr. Hemison.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was generally tolerable, but tonight he
was on a bender.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">“You might as well commit suicide right now!” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">As a poor student in Westwood, one of L.A.’s richer zip codes, I was
willing to put up with a certain amount of abuse in exchange for low rent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“What’s wrong, Mr. Hemison?”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">“You’re losing the war against the ants.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">It was true. The ants were winning. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">For $75 a month, I had a small room in the basement and a job
as the building’s caretaker. I pulled weeds, purged hairballs from clogged
drains, and vacuumed the Astroturf stairways. To make ends meet, I snuck into
the unguarded cafeteria of a nearby housing co-op for my meals. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">The tenants were all UCLA students like I was. In addition
to fighting ants, we battled the high rents and turned a dense and
narrow neighborhood west of Fraternity Row into a student ghetto.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most of the area’s small apartments were stuffed
two students to a bedroom. Mr. Hemison had no idea how many illegal sublets and
permanent “visitors” lived in his building. He was usually too drunk to care.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">The only people living in worse squalor were the Frat Row
bros.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">When they weren’t having 6AM Tequila Sunrise parties and
then taking over busy intersections to misdirect traffic on Gayley Ave, the
brothers blasted music with enough sound power to keep the rest of us dazed and
confused. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">Early one morning, a travelling preacher dragged a large
wooden cross up Fraternity Row and planted it on the front lawn of Tappa Tappa
Kegga. He had a full head of hurricane-proof hair and looked self-righteous in a
three-piece suit. He had a bull horn and was on a mission to save the
fraternity brothers from themselves.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">“Fornicators!” he shouted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“Pagans! Pornographers! Pleasure mongers!”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">I was walking to an early class but couldn’t resist waiting
to see the fireworks.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">Unfortunately for Right Reverend Potty Mouth, the brothers
slept through his tirade. Tired of preaching to no one, he followed me onto
campus screaming “Repent you masturbator!” at the back of my head. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">His cross had a wheel at the bottom which enabled him to
move pretty fast. He was a real holy roller but I eventually outran him.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">In retrospect, I wish I had thought to invite him back to my
apartment building to rain holy hellfire down upon the ants.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After riding us of pestilence, perhaps he
could have exorcised Mr. Hemison’s demons, too.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAbFmB5Z3o8GAcx23shBoks_XHCn7lkdvBmrjf-4RlwQwm25rL-FXppgU8HzS5FHqmyN0cIdeB9qiO4xFBFD3M_p2brN3yjMr5zIxxNbOOPTTJb1LXnth-9CqJa0sOhzK68NCt19nwMzn0/s1600/AntMoviePoster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAbFmB5Z3o8GAcx23shBoks_XHCn7lkdvBmrjf-4RlwQwm25rL-FXppgU8HzS5FHqmyN0cIdeB9qiO4xFBFD3M_p2brN3yjMr5zIxxNbOOPTTJb1LXnth-9CqJa0sOhzK68NCt19nwMzn0/s320/AntMoviePoster.jpg" width="208" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><o:p></o:p></span> </div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">www.noroadsleadtorome.com</div>R.S. Gompertzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427834064510617964noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6926975745479736407.post-19219456130668945632013-08-10T17:23:00.002-07:002013-08-11T08:06:42.172-07:00Lost in Translation<br />
<div class="yiv0863726901msonormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
I
visited New Orleans and the Bayou country a long time ago. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="yiv0863726901msonormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
A few
memories stand out like being refused entrance to a Zydeco bar in Lafayette
because it wasn’t “Honkey Night.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="yiv0863726901msonormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Somewhere
along the way, I saw two bumper stickers whose wisdom has stuck with me ever
since. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="yiv0863726901msonormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
The
first said “Don’t Drink and Drive. You Might Spill Your Drink.” In a region
that boasted drive-through Daiquiri stands, the logic was self-evident.</div>
<br />
<div class="yiv0863726901msonormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
The
other said, “We Don’t Care How You Do It Up North.” <o:p> </o:p></div>
<div class="yiv0863726901msonormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<o:p></o:p> </div>
<div class="yiv0863726901msonormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
This
was back in the pre-Katrina days. Since the civil war had long since given way to
civil rights, this sentiment just passed right through me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="yiv0863726901msonormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
It
wasn’t until I had changed jobs, cultures, towns and countries a couple times
that I grasped what that Southerner had been trying to tell me. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="yiv0863726901msonormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
It may
be vanity, but we’d all like to think that we’ve accumulated some useful experience
over the years. Wisdom, maybe. Perhaps our accomplishments are worthy of
respect and our contributions are appreciated.</div>
<br />
<div class="yiv0863726901msonormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Fine,
but don’t expect any of it to translate.</div>
<div class="yiv0863726901msonormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<div class="yiv0863726901msonormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
It
turns out that much of your importance is context dependent. It’s local. Unlike
changing hairstyles, when you change jobs, towns, schools, or cultures you’ll
probably have to re-build the part of your self-image that derives from how
others perceive you. <o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="yiv0863726901msonormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
You
may have done it better out west, but nobody wants to hear about it back east. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="yiv0863726901msonormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
The
exception to this is if you are some combination of rich, famous, powerful, or
beautiful, but stature in one place doesn’t always translate to the next.
Appearance is the most immediate example of this. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="yiv0863726901msonormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
One warm
Sunday, long ago, my family was sitting in a public square of a small village
north of Barcelona. A proud, well-dressed fellow was strutting his well-dressed
family across the plaza. He looked like the sort of rotund, stuff-shirted
silent film character who might have played “The Mayor” or “The Rich Industrialist” in
a Charlie Chaplin movie. He was prim, proud, and polished. All he lacked was a
top hat. It seemed like too hot a day for a coat and tie, but this was a fellow
for whom appearance trumped comfort. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="yiv0863726901msonormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
Approaching
from the other direction was an American family that we knew from our kids’
school. They hailed from one of the richest postal codes on earth and were
living in Spain while their kitchen was being remodeled back home. He was a
descendent of a famous film star. She was many years his younger. Their kids
probably pooped gold nuggets. I don’t know if they were good people or not—the truth
is, they were kind of snooty but you couldn’t tell by looking at them. They
dressed in what could mercifully be called “Shabby Chic.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="yiv0863726901msonormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
One great
thing about the West Coast of the USA is that you can’t tell anything about
anyone by the way they are dressed. Millionaires look like bums. Bums drive
Cadillacs. Beautiful people turn ugly and the famous, infamous. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="yiv0863726901msonormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
But to the
Spanish patriarch, the Yankee millionaires must have looked like a walking
disease. In his eyes, their appearance masked any possibility that they might
be charitable, upstanding, or worthy of common courtesy. Not that it should matter, but they
offered him no visual clue that they happened to have money coming out of their
ears. All he could see is that their ears were dirty and on an
intercept course with his sparkling offspring.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="yiv0863726901msonormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
He
judged their dog-eared "West Coast Casual" by its cover. They weren’t even looking at
his first edition copy of "Old World Formal." These two fellows and their
fine families may have had everything in common, but there was no chance the twain
would meet.<o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="yiv0863726901msonormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
In the
Chaplin version of this scene, the Spaniard’s bushy eyebrows would have knocked
the top hat off his head. In my memory, his stiff body language signaled his offense at having to share the public square with such apparent riff-raff. He
spun his family about and herded them back to a corner of the plaza where appearances
mattered. <o:p> </o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="yiv0863726901msonormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
The
oblivious Southern Californians continued on their loud, merry way, indifferent
to how anyone did it up north.</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi11K94605fAmckFQA0By3wRrHKLXEz-y7i4whpgejfcbsyfPGP6i0vsgt7eRdpLwN0UJOQuVI1Za5RcDkamW9CqhBuD-_YT4caPiyLSgMzJBTaOyV8ktxZqOpmwRfuh6CNPrYuYBsXWcrg/s1600/chaplin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi11K94605fAmckFQA0By3wRrHKLXEz-y7i4whpgejfcbsyfPGP6i0vsgt7eRdpLwN0UJOQuVI1Za5RcDkamW9CqhBuD-_YT4caPiyLSgMzJBTaOyV8ktxZqOpmwRfuh6CNPrYuYBsXWcrg/s320/chaplin.jpg" width="242" /></a></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">www.noroadsleadtorome.com</div>R.S. Gompertzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427834064510617964noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6926975745479736407.post-14677637107828453902013-07-25T15:25:00.000-07:002013-07-26T08:33:54.671-07:00Lunchtime in the Garden of Good and Evil<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I saw the true heart of darkness at age eight.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;">The experience, like much that is evil, started banal.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">There we were: a rabble of elementary school kids waiting in
line to buy our milk at lunchtime.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I remember the smell of dry heat rising off the asphalt. I
can still see the sunlight filtering through the eucalyptus trees.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Regular milk cost seven cents, chocolate cost a dime. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>An older student, the milk monitor, wheeled
the cart into the lunch area and solemnly collected money, dispensed milk and
made change. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I bought my milk as always and found a shady place to eat my
lunch. Most likely, my metal action figure lunchbox contained a cream cheese
and jam sandwich on white bread. It’s a good thing I liked this concoction
because it had zero trading value with the other kids.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I was eating my Granny Smith when one of the “bad kids”
whizzed past me at top speed. He shouted a battle cry and dove onto the milk
cart like a cartoon squirrel. The milk monitor jumped aside and the cart took
off, rolling and tumbling, sending milk and money in all directions.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">Without a second’s thought, every kid within shouting
distance shrieked for joy. We jostled each other for the nickels and dimes, chasing
them as they rolled and fell on the pavement. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">United we stole. No moral quandary. No fear of consequences.
In a burst of collective larceny, we stuffed undeserved windfalls into our
pockets. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">The distraught milk monitor, a boy who must have been all of
twelve years old, tried to restore order, but he could not contain our
lawlessness. The coins disappeared as if vacuumed and then, fast as it all
started, we returned to our lunches like a cloud of birds.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">The poor, defeated boy picked a few remaining pennies
from a puddle of spilt milk. He fought back tears and trundled away to face the
certain wrath of the cafeteria matron whose dislike for children was as
legendary as her soggy fish sticks.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">A few good kids came forward to return their ill-gotten
gains and suffer a tongue lashing from the principal. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">The instigator was caught but showed no remorse. I’m sure he
grew up to be a bank robber. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;">I remained silent and pocketed my winnings. Amazingly,
nobody snitched. I don’t know what else I learned in school that day but the
infectious power of a mob is something I’ll never forget.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> <a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/0982582900?tag=noroletoro-20&camp=213381&creative=390973&linkCode=as4&creativeASIN=0982582900&adid=1WBHNS1QZWERBQ6HF5M7&" target="_blank"><em>Maybe this explains the mob scenes in my novel "No Roads Lead to Rome"</em></a><span id="goog_983510265"></span><a href="http://www.blogger.com/"></a><span id="goog_983510266"></span></span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">www.noroadsleadtorome.com</div>R.S. Gompertzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427834064510617964noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6926975745479736407.post-57878321667799493692013-01-01T11:27:00.001-08:002013-01-01T11:27:58.041-08:002013 Will be the Dumbest Year Ever<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in;">
With the forgivable exception of the world ending (see below), all my other predictions for 2012 came true (<a href="http://noroadsleadtorome.blogspot.com/2011/12/predictions-2012-looking-pretty-stupid.html" target="_blank">here</a>).</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in;">
Given that I seem to have been blessed with the gift of augury, I feel obliged to offer these prognostications for 2013. (Feel free to add your own in the comment section!)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in;">
<br /></div>
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">Nintendo will release a miniature game console called the Wiini</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">Apple will spend its cash hoard to buy a small country for its competitors to live in.</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">Momentum to legalize marijuana will fizzle as activists forget what they were fighting for.</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">In the USA, gay marriage initiatives will pass in 10% of the states.</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">The US Constitution will be modified to allow citizens the right to carry concealed nuclear weapons.</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">Texas will finally outlaw forced conversion of vegetarians.</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">Admitting that “fluorescent lights really suck,” California will decriminalize incandescent bulbs.</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">The British Royal Family will make it official by starting a reality TV franchise.</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">Popular baby names will include #Hashtag, Snapchat, and Poke.</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">New apocalypse fears will arise when scientists discover an "off by one" math error in the Mayan Calendar.</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">The arrival of a very bright comet will renew the global debate over very bright comets.</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">Controversial scenes in the new Star Trek movie will trigger outrage from Vulcans.</li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<o:p><em> If your New Year's Resolution includes adding brain cells to compensate for those you killed in 2012, you probably shouldn't read my novel,</em> "<a href="http://noroadsleadtorome.com/" target="_blank">No Roads Lead to Rome</a>."</o:p></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">www.noroadsleadtorome.com</div>R.S. Gompertzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427834064510617964noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6926975745479736407.post-78067155011647490252012-12-04T18:03:00.001-08:002012-12-04T19:37:59.269-08:00Stamp Out Intolerance!<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
I’ve had the honor of providing a virgin encounter to over seventy people without ever having to die or visit anyone’s odd notion of paradise. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
I regret to clarify that none of these cases involved any physical intimacy with the exception of the kid on the playground who punched me in the nose for having killed Christ. Or the time a questionable friend’s older brother pushed me into a closet with a lit candle and ordered me to beg forgiveness from Jesus.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
I continue to be the first Jew many people have met. I don’t wear it on my sleeve, but it does tend to come out in conversation when people are trying to convert me. This is a shame because I’m a terrible ambassador for my tribe.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
My faith lapsed shortly after cashing in my Bar Mitzvah winnings. I grew increasingly frustrated with not being invited to join secret Jewish conspiracies like Wall Street, Hollywood, or the tenured staff of Brandeis University. (If any member of the International Cartel of Jewish Bankers or the Elders of Zion is reading this, please contact me before my next car payment is due.)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
I later passed my skepticism on to my sons by answering life’s big questions – “where do we go when we die” and “will there be hamburgers” – by explaining that Star Trek was the documentary story of our exiled people. I then told them to go outside and watch for the mothership.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
“Looks like we’re on our own,” I said when no mothership arrived.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
American kids nowadays are lucky that differences are celebrated and bloodied noses are fewer. They are blessed to live in the most religiously tolerant and diverse country in the world where church parking lots are full, temples have security guards, and mosques are routinely denied building permits.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
The USA even had a Mormon run for president! He gave a big speech to profess his tolerance of other Christians. His opponent, our current president, caught flack for being a member of a radical church. Once elected, he took heat for being a radical Muslim – clear testimony to our open mindedness.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
There may not be a mothership, but as the holiday season descends and yuletide Muzak fills our cinnamon-scented shopping malls, we can still raise our eggnog lattes in common worship of the Gods of Commerce. <br />
<br />
May your season be joyful and the after-Christmas sales heavenly.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<o:p><em>Looking for an innapropriate gift? </em><a href="http://www.amazon.com/No-Roads-Lead-Rome-ebook/dp/B002U0M5YC/ref=tmm_kin_title_0" target="_blank"><em>Steal this book!</em></a><em>!</em></o:p></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">www.noroadsleadtorome.com</div>R.S. Gompertzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427834064510617964noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6926975745479736407.post-13121829854052454502012-11-17T09:53:00.001-08:002012-11-17T10:31:36.112-08:00Electile Dysfunction Disorder<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">No sooner had the US elections ended than the backlash
started.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Right after two states legalized marijuana the company
that made Twinkies, Ding Dongs and Hoho’s went out of business. In spite of a swelling wave
of new customers with munchies, 18,000 people who made the snack food beloved to
pot smokers everywhere lost their jobs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Too many Twinkies might explain why tens of thousands of
citizens across the country filed petitions to have their states secede from
The Union immediately after Obama's reelection.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Ding Dong Mitt Romney lobbed some Hohos of his own by announcing
that he lost the presidency because Obama gave financial gifts to women and
minorities. Mittens was stunned that the financial gifts he had promised to the super
rich somehow failed to sway the popular vote.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan blamed “urban voters”
for his defeat even though a majority of voters in his rural hometown voted
against him. Fact checkers got busy looking into what percentage of the nation
is now urban.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Those poor fact checkers! How empty their lives must feel
now that the country has recovered from Electile Dysfunction Disorder.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The son of mega-evangelist Billy Graham announced that
Romney lost because Christians failed to vote.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>While it’s true that Obama carried the Jewish vote, it was surprising to learn that the Electoral College is full of pagans.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Confirming that the End of Days is upon us, the Israelis and
Palestinians began fighting, Europe slipped back into recession, and the CIA
Director was brought down by a sex scandal that spread like a virus. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It seems the nation’s top spy didn’t realize that e-mail exchanges
could be hacked by shirtless FBI agents.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">After seeing his party lose decisively by insulting women and
minorities, Obama’s former foe, John McCain thought it might be a good idea to loudly
impugn the reputation, achievements and intelligence of a prominent black woman.
He missed a confidential hearing on the Benghazi attacks to attack UN
Ambassador Susan Rice for being misinformed about the Benghazi attacks. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Clearly, McCain has put the 2008 election behind him and,
like the rest of the nation, is now ready to move forward.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><em>The decline and fall is sure taking a long time! It all started in "<a href="http://noroadsleadtorome.com/" target="_blank">No Roads Lead to Rome</a>!"</em></span></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">www.noroadsleadtorome.com</div>R.S. Gompertzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427834064510617964noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6926975745479736407.post-43628257964971064372012-09-11T09:10:00.000-07:002012-09-11T09:10:56.877-07:00My Audition for a Presidential Speech Writing Job<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">This election is a choice between two Americas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My opponent’s America is a classic rock band who’s tired, droning songs are honey-coated with falsetto harmonies but ultimately make no sense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">My America is the star of “Ugly Betty.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">This is a nation of immigrants many of whom got stuck here when United Airlines went bankrupt. Others ran out gas on the way to Canada. Either way,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>if a child was born and raised here, and they’re willing to serve in the military, go to college and work cheap, let’s not deport them until they’ve fixed our crumbling bridges and roads.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">On every issue, my rival was for it, against it, and for it again so many times that he doesn’t even remember what “it” was. He flip-flops more often than our Olympic gymnastic team and he looks like hell in a sparkly pink leotard. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">My opponent is in the upper 1% of the upper 1% of the upper 1%. If he were anymore 1% he would round to zero. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">He's out of touch. His plan for the underwater housing market is to issue snorkels. He wants to let Wall Street run your daughter’s lemonade stand. He intends to trade Louisiana back to the French in exchange for Martinique. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">At least we agree on that last one.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">I know this is a close election. That’s why I’ve proposed to settle it by having our wives arm wrestle. <o:p> </o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Let me make this clear: I will not replace our seniors with a voucher system. I will not sacrifice our students to greedy bankers. I will, however, voucher our students if they don't call their greedy grandparents and ask them to send money.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">After years of nation building abroad, we need to bring our troops home. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If they can’t find employment within, say, one year, I’ll start another war. This time, let's fight for a place with better vacation opportunities.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">So vote with your heart. Vote with your head. Or vote with your feet.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">God bless The United Swing States of America. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><img border="0" hea="true" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_Q8MMGpcI4h6EmmRrSjoQdCzFKquNbkK-2NaBrz8Udxjr8GdWrVoqj33l_njjIjLzgaafud7k-auXkzZ_53Mq-Js7mhLslUCWd17EdBJcV7_v9OHifosMSOVC2aNcx-pIkgnzJpjQ8EW6/s320/obama+mad.jpg" width="237" /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="blogger-post-footer">www.noroadsleadtorome.com</div>R.S. Gompertzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427834064510617964noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6926975745479736407.post-83053334931438271112012-08-22T09:12:00.001-07:002012-08-22T14:25:18.235-07:00The Endless Election<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"> The only thing propping up our weak economy is the roughly $2B being spent on the presidential election. The biblical flood of anonymous, unregulated campaign spending has proven to be a terrific stimulus package for advertisers, caterers, and hair stylists. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"> Prices and profits are up ever since demand for red, white, and blue balloons caused a global shortage of helium. Our bottomless appetite for imported American flags even prevented a recession in China.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"> The USA may not have invented Reality TV, but we were quick to turn it into a governing principal. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"> Season One is full of exciting, scandal-prone novelty candidates with sweater vests, cowboy boots, and quirky ideas about science and geography. Most of these early candidates get booted off the island during the final episode known as “The Primary Election.” </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"> If your favorites don't survive the primaries, there's no need for despair. Many will be back for Season Two cameo appearances in the gala extravaganza called “The Party Convention.”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"> The party convention is like “Lollapalooza” for people with golf carts.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"> In deference to Mr. Romney, hurricane-proof hairdos will be on display at the Republican event conveniently scheduled during the peak of tropical storm season in Tampa, FLA. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"> The Democratic convention will be wrapped in mystery and tension over whether Vice President Biden will be allowed near a microphone.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"> The main outcome of either convention is the “party platform.” The platform serves the same purpose in politics as in Olympic diving: the competitor must jump off the platform, twist and turn in mid-air, and land in the great bathtub of public approval without splashing anyone. Any candidate who “flip-flops” loses points.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"> The conventions are largely ignored by real Americans who are either on vacation or getting their feral kids ready to go back to school. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The real purpose of the convention is to encourage the party faithful to litter neighborhoods and highways with non-recyclable plasticized yard signs.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"> Once the conventions are over, the final leg of the campaign marathon begins. Because most voters are loyal to their party, the candidates now engage in symbolic struggle to convert a small percentage of critical swing voters to their side. Appealing to the swing voter forces the tongue-twisting candidates to escape Houdini-like from a variety of contorted positions. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"> By the end of summer, most voters would rather be water boarded than hear another campaign promise. With the nation’s attention span spent, the short but exciting Season Three offers thrilling twists and a surprise ending in November when everyone texts in their vote and Ryan Seacrest announces the winner. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><object class="BLOGGER-youtube-video" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0" data-thumbnail-src="http://3.gvt0.com/vi/_TA42woVsqc/0.jpg" height="266" width="320"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/_TA42woVsqc&fs=1&source=uds" /><param name="bgcolor" value="#FFFFFF" /><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true" /><embed width="320" height="266" src="http://www.youtube.com/v/_TA42woVsqc&fs=1&source=uds" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"></div><div style="text-align: center;"><strong>Can't decide? Vote for Pedro?</strong></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">www.noroadsleadtorome.com</div>R.S. Gompertzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427834064510617964noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6926975745479736407.post-61263843876813274052012-05-18T07:05:00.004-07:002012-05-19T18:16:56.928-07:00One Star Review<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">One of the most intriguing reviews I’ve received for “No Roads Lead to Rome” is a one star lament stating, “Read the cornflakes box, it's better.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">This hurt, but I put on my big boy pants and bought a box of Cornflakes to see if I could improve my writing. I'm always willing to learn and I really want the sequel, “Aqueduct to Nowhere” to snap, crackle, and pop.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">I fixed myself a nice bowl of cereal and settled in for a good read. The excitement started immediately when I learned that Cornflakes are over 100 years old. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Cornflakes are old as Norway?</i> I was captivated and ready to be transported by the magic of words on paper.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Let’s face it. A 100 year old character sets high expectations for the rest of the box, but I’m glad to say our friends at Kelloggs delivered on the initial promise. The segment on the food pyramid was as compelling as any I remember from elementary school. I couldn’t wait to see what would happen when my 100 old cereal encountered fresh milk.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">But the conceit simply didn’t support the weight of the narrative. Why did the writer veer off into a longwinded, completely tangential recipe for “Cheddar Broccoli Double-Coated Chicken?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At first I thought this was a metaphor for a 100 year old cereal’s struggle to make peace with the modern ethos, but it felt rushed and could have used better editing.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Speaking of modern constructions, I must cry foul on the constant references to external links. Contemporary devices like this jerk the reader out of the historical context. If the cereal box had been an e-book, I might have been willing to click over to the <a href="http://kelloggs.com/">kelloggs.com</a> link for more insights, but when I sit down to read a work printed on paper, I expect it to be complete.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">In spite of occasional brilliance, the initial promise falls flat. Midway through breakfast, the box was beginning to feel like it was written by a committee—especially the “Nutrition Facts” section which read like a chemistry teacher’s shopping list. In a word, dire.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Finally, I know a good breakfast is the cornerstone of a productive day, but wasting an entire side of the box—even a narrow side—on this topic suggests to me that the author ran out of fresh ideas and fell back on dull clichés and haggard moralizing. Show me, Cornflakes, don’t tell me.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">In short, I would give this box a one star review. The meandering narrative is saved by the excellent graphic design and that wonderful rooster that woke me up without a lot of shrill crowing. (Did you know his name is Cornelius? I didn't. Why did they wait until well past the <em>denouement</em><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"> </span>to reveal this?)</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">As breakfast goes, I would rate Cornflakes slightly worse than Green Eggs and Ham and nowhere close to what they serve at Tiffany’s. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLEIWq59oryJkIhk0aoM32PAYT2ZTx37jb52yu-0OELerpPF6WtJmrWOTo5jb2_NKXD2kkU2OVLv66ERp-WIlXQ9IYMOaaE-B7ftnuEyOEyknuB1by_8JDV2UrcKWT6Nb7e07hTD4CFbdw/s1600/cornflakes+rooster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" kba="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLEIWq59oryJkIhk0aoM32PAYT2ZTx37jb52yu-0OELerpPF6WtJmrWOTo5jb2_NKXD2kkU2OVLv66ERp-WIlXQ9IYMOaaE-B7ftnuEyOEyknuB1by_8JDV2UrcKWT6Nb7e07hTD4CFbdw/s1600/cornflakes+rooster.jpg" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">1-star Rooster</div><div class="blogger-post-footer">www.noroadsleadtorome.com</div>R.S. Gompertzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427834064510617964noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6926975745479736407.post-5170595838146721042012-02-12T17:51:00.000-08:002012-02-12T18:06:45.335-08:00An Independent Menu for Struggling Candidates<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">In the past few US elections, perfect hair and radiant teeth have swayed the electorate more than policy statements and campaign promises. This is because the only group who truly cares about issues is the independent voters and they don’t decide until the very last minute.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Party loyalists will always vote the ticket, but that’s not enough to win a majority. A Republican candidate can always count on the faithful, and a Democrat can never count on anything. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Since the electorate is equally split between the two major parties in most key states and regions, the independents can swing the election.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">For candidates struggling with how to win these critical swing voters in November, I offer an easy approach. Assuming you’ve got a good hair and a bright set of teeth, here’s a simple policy menu that will fit all budgets and appetites.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">DIY Candidate Menu</span></span></b></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Chose one item from each section and start campaigning!</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Appetizer</span></b></div><ul type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Legalize Marijuana:</b> this helps conservative candidates because stoners will forget to vote anyway</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Gay Marriage:</b> Help our weak economy with lavish weddings and expensive divorces.</span></li>
</ul><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Entrée</span></b></div><ul type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Abortion:</b> Re-define life to start at graduation </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Foreign Policy:</b> Give Louisiana back to the French</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Gun rights:</b> all citizens issued a hand gun at birth</span></li>
</ul><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in; text-align: center;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Side Dish</span></b></div><ul type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Technology:</b> Defend our right to carry concealed iPhones</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Housing Crisis:</b> federally subsided spear guns to all underwater homeowners </span></li>
</ul><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Desert</span></b></div><ul type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Immigration:</b> Declare a one day, worldwide amnesty where people can change countries.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Budget Deficit: </b>Sell advertising space on national monuments and aircraft carriers</span></li>
</ul><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: center;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Beverage</span></b></div><ul type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Energy Policy</b>: Red Bull</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Austerity Measures: </b> English Breakfast Tea Party</span></li>
</ul><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><em> Still hungry? Vote for political humor by reading </em><a href="http://www.noroadsleadtorome.com/" target="_blank"><em>"No Roads Lead to Rome"</em></a></span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">www.noroadsleadtorome.com</div>R.S. Gompertzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427834064510617964noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6926975745479736407.post-86640022984694055542012-01-22T09:45:00.000-08:002012-01-23T14:51:27.277-08:00What’s good for GM is good for America<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">As I prepare my surprise bid for the Republican Party candidate for president, I’ve burned my platform down to just one plank: absolute support for gay marriage in all 50 states and Alaska.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">That’s right. In order to jump start the economy, it’s time to nationalize GM.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Anyone who follows American election politics knows that certain unions are a hotter topic than climate change. Some will say I’m taking this position out of opportunism. Others may think me altruistic, but since when has altruism helped anyone?</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">I believe that if two people are in love and determined to screw things up, they should be allowed to form a union. It’s only fair. Everyone should be free to wed, start a family, and mess up the next generation the same way our parents did with us.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Like us, the kids will be all right. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s no evidence that children of GMs will turn out any worse than the others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thanks to Nintendo, most kids barely interact with their parents anyway.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">But love and fairness are not the reasons I’ll legalize GM as president. Sure, I’m for all that squishy stuff, but my GM position is based on cold-hearted economics.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">If traditional marriage is good for the economy, GM will be even better. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Just imagine how much those wedding parties will cost and how much champagne the guests will drink. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Modernizing the definition of marriage is our fastest ticket out of the Great Recession. This can't be a state by state affair. Nationalizing GM will provide an instant boon to businesses. The sudden cash infusion to wedding planners and florists, hotels and caterers will be so lucrative the Democrats might propose a GM windfall tax. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">GM ceremonies, bridal registries and honeymoons will create a multi-billion dollar industry overnight. The miracle of P-town will be duplicated so quickly that I’m shocked that Mitt Romney, the business-minded former Governor of the P-town State, hasn’t scooped me on this issue. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">GM is a gift that keeps on giving. Assuming these new unions will be no more successful than their traditional brethren, the economy will benefit twofold: once from the celebrations, and later from the orgy of spending on divorce lawyers.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Since most divorced people eventually remarry, GM will be one of the most virtuous cycles in economics.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">This is a great issue for business minded Republican Party leadership. Embracing GM is both fiscally responsible and consistent with the Republican principle of getting big government out of people’s lives. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">GM is so logical, that I anticipate the other candidates will quickly adopt my wide stance on the topic and that’s fine with me. A good idea has many fathers and what’s good for GM is good for America. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
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</div><div class="blogger-post-footer">www.noroadsleadtorome.com</div>R.S. Gompertzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427834064510617964noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6926975745479736407.post-74131343361584971502011-12-29T07:55:00.000-08:002012-01-01T19:24:10.202-08:00Predictions: 2012 Looking Pretty Stupid<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;"><em>Here are my most optimistic predictions for 2012!</em></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: large;">Science:</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">The Higgs Boson will be found right where Higgs left it.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Experts will determine that Stonehenge is an ancient parking structure.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">The world won’t end in 2012 but by December we’ll wish it had.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">NASA will discover many earth-like planets, none with chocolate.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: large;">Politics:</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">In a bi-parisan breakthrough, the US Congress will agree to start 2012 on Jan 1.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">In an epic flip-flop, Mitt Romney will deny he’s ever run for president.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Testing the Supreme Court ruling that corporations are people, Exxon will be elected President of the US.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Excited by the possibility of an ignorant populace, US Congress will completely defund education.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: large;">Commerce:</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Facebook and Google will merge to form Face-Goo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Italy will propose replacing the Euro with a new currency called the Nero.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">The stock market will go up, then down, then sideways.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: large;">Culture:</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span lang="EN" style="color: black; mso-ansi-language: EN;">Diana Ross will reunite with the Supreme Court. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Queen Elizabeth’s Diamond Jubilee party will be louder than the Sex Pistol’s reunion concert.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">The Rolling Stone’s 50<sup>th</sup> anniversary tour will be sponsored by Ibuprofen.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Mumford will have a daughter.</div><div class="blogger-post-footer">www.noroadsleadtorome.com</div>R.S. Gompertzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427834064510617964noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6926975745479736407.post-91876586163158488162011-11-27T07:44:00.000-08:002011-11-27T09:15:35.143-08:00EU Austerity Plan Forces Spain to Sell its History<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><state w:st="on"><place w:st="on">(MADRID - </place></state>TOROPRESS)</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">To meet EU demands for austerity, Spanish government officials have confirmed their intention to pay down the nation’s deficit by selling famous museums, formerly priceless artworks, and historical heritage sites.<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">The emerging plan invokes many breakthrough concepts in modern finance including:</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .3in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Turning the medieval town of Toledo into a Spanish Inquisition theme park for kids.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .3in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Selling Picasso masterpieces on eBay.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .3in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Allowing advertising in cathedrals.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .3in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">In addition, commerce officials in Madrid today revealed a series of binding agreements between Spain and Carrefour, the giant French retailer. The accords give Carrefour exclusive rights to build “tasteful, consumer friendly warehouse super-stores” at key heritage sites around the country.</div></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">French demolition teams immediately tunneled into the granite beneath the Alhambra where they intend to open Spain’s first underground discount mall next summer.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Construction permits have also been issued for many other sites around the country, including Barcelona’s Sagrada Familia, the Prado, and a series of convenient “Pilgrim Mini Marts” along the <span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Camino</span><span style="color: black;"> de <span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Santiago</span> trail. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Though it may be too late to stop the sales, lawyers for the opposition Socialist Party are said to be looking for loopholes in the contract to block the French chain from “turning our rich cultural heritage into a cathedral to consumerism.”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">“Shopping at Carrefour is an even richer cultural heritage,” company spokeswoman, Bea Fuentes, said in response to critics . “People will appreciate being able to see an old Spanish monument and buy bulk toilet paper and <span class="st1"><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Nutella</span><span style="color: #222222;">®</span></span>.”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">The government was careful to exempt all properties belonging to the Spanish Crown from the austerity measures, but scandal briefly touched the Royal Family when it was revealed that Carrefour had approached Letizia, <span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Princess</span><span style="color: black;"> of <span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Asturias</span>,</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;"> </span>seeking her presence at the ribbon cutting ceremony opening Carrefour’s new <span class="st1"><span style="color: #222222;">Reina Sofia®</span></span><span class="st1"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial;"> </span></span>Superstore in Madrid. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">In response, a spokesman for the Royal Family made no comment. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">In a parallel development, Carrefour is now negotiating to obtain commercial rights to the Great Mosque of Cordoba. “At first, we didn’t understand the significance of the <city w:st="on"><place w:st="on">Cordoba</place></city> site,” Fuentes admitted. “I mean, is it a church? Is it a mosque? Who's the target demographic? Going forward, we’ll have to simplify the marketing message.”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">The austerity plan hit a speed bump when both the government and Carrefour claimed ownership of the art collection in the Prado. “The site’s a mess,” Fuentes insists. “We need to sell all that old artwork to pay for repairs.”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Austerity may turn out to be expensive if Carrefour sues the government for breach of contract. “We bought the Prado with everything in it,” Fuentes said. “Once we get rid of those dreary paintings, we’ll do a little redecorating and that place will have more charm than Paris Disneyland.”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><em><a href="http://www.noroadsleadtorome.com/" target="_blank">No Roads Lead to Rome</a></em></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyhlPESh7wT-LDmEiovTBYC28fbLNVWZKDImcwMnPMC-fDvs0WpX6JzyC3nUKKhsw3zRJlfVof_jgA8aaoexb3ghAO03PlZnCUwc8pF2OUQCXh92YCIL8I_HTMY9EATR3WdKkpPmerwzGf/s1600/Las+Meninas+Velazquez.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" hda="true" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyhlPESh7wT-LDmEiovTBYC28fbLNVWZKDImcwMnPMC-fDvs0WpX6JzyC3nUKKhsw3zRJlfVof_jgA8aaoexb3ghAO03PlZnCUwc8pF2OUQCXh92YCIL8I_HTMY9EATR3WdKkpPmerwzGf/s320/Las+Meninas+Velazquez.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">The Prado is a mess</span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">www.noroadsleadtorome.com</div>R.S. Gompertzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427834064510617964noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6926975745479736407.post-65743172553189504252011-11-19T12:26:00.000-08:002011-11-24T10:15:42.071-08:00Occupy MalMart Black Friday!<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Americans pride themselves on planning ahead. That’s why our big stores start celebrating Christmas in October.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Shopping, of course, is one of our inalienable rights, guaranteed by the constitution along with the right to pack more horsepower, firepower, and body mass per capita than any other nation on earth. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">The consumer spending that drives our economy traditionally kicks into high gear on a day known as “Black Friday.”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, is the symbolic day that store balance sheets turn from red ink to black ink. Black Friday is the day that stores turn profitable so, naturally, they want to stay open as long as possible.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">To maximize black ink, stores open early on Black Friday. and each year they open earlier. 8AM gave way to 7AM which eventually gave way to 3AM. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Consumers craving deals and hoping to stretch their dollars in a poor economy queue in the cold for hours before the doors open. Long before Occupy Wall Street, the other 99% camped on sidewalks and peed in parking lots for Black Friday.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Black Friday can be quite competitive. One year, people got trampled as throngs pushed through the doors in a frenzied search for bargains. Another year, tragically, a store employee was killed by a stampede. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Given the opportunity to get drunk on black ink, it was only a matter of time before the big stores figured out that they could open even earlier by opening the night before. In the past, “the night before” corresponded to Thanksgiving dinner, our most sacred public holiday besides Halloween.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">But, as our founding fathers so foundingly declared: Nothing is more sacred than commerce.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Are you looking for an excuse to abandon those dull, stuffed relatives? Need some aerobic shopping after the big meal? Run out of pumpkin pie or just worried that someone else is going to get the last big screen TV deal?</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Give thanks, America. The mega-stores are now open right after Thanksgiving dinner.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">So when you sit down to your rushed Thanksgiving feast this year, be sure to give thanks to those store employees who are giving up their Thanksgiving and risking their lives to protect our freedom to shop 24/7.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">And if you really want to get a jump on the deals, why not have your Thanksgiving feast right at the MalMart McRonalds?</div></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><strong><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2zBWjlkKDpA&feature=player_embedded" target="_blank">Shoppers Go Crazy. 4AM Black Friday, 2010</a></strong></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">www.noroadsleadtorome.com</div>R.S. Gompertzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427834064510617964noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6926975745479736407.post-43370846073380646612011-11-10T07:57:00.000-08:002011-11-11T06:20:20.598-08:00A Proposal to Reduce Toxic Academy Awards Emissions<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">I know better than to compete with Eddie Murphy, but now that he has stepped aside and before Billy Crystal dry cleans his tuxedo, I offer my services to host the 2012 Academy Awards.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">I checked my schedule. I can squeeze it in and, frankly, they need my help.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">At 84 year’s old, the navel-gazing gala has gotten stale and predictable. Does anyone really want to watch another room full of glitzy people with big shiny teeth pretending to congratulate each other?</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">It’s time to shake things up.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">For starters, we need to move the Oscars out of Hollywood. It’s a great place, but other towns are more deserving.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Imagine what the Oscars could do for Flint, Michigan. The infusion of cash from Oscar related activities could probably solve the Greek debt crisis. Or, what if we held the event in a secret location and made attendees hunt for it?</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Better yet, what if we make the event 100% virtual?</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Liberal movie stars and toothy glitterati will be thrilled by the first ever Emissions Neutral Academy Awards. No plane flights. No gas-guzzling limos. No klieg lights visible from space.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The parched aquifers of Southern California will be spared from thousands of showering hotel guests and hot tub parties. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">What if everyone stays home and we webcast the entire event over the Wii channel? I've already chosen my avatar!</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">By bit torrenting all films directly to your smart phone, we can revolutionize voting. Instead of a secret cabal of industry insiders, everyone will have a say. Besides, nobody understands who the “Academy” is or why its minions never award trophies to Muppet movies. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">To liven things up, we’ll offer exciting new awards like “Worst Sequel,” “Dullest Foreign Film,” and “Biggest Dud.” We’ll launch an entire category dedicated to films that rely on excessive special effects instead of actual story telling. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">All the silly song and dance numbers will be moved to YouTube.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The tedious envelopes and nominations and tearful “thank the academy” speeches will be replaced with live blogs and Twitter hash tags like #insecure-narcissist and #I-don’t-really-own-this-jewelry.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">The after-event parties that none of us are ever invited to will be replaced by a more inclusive world-wide discount on pizza delivery.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">So, Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, the ball’s in your court. I’ve cleared my calendar. Have your people call mine.</div><div class="blogger-post-footer">www.noroadsleadtorome.com</div>R.S. Gompertzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427834064510617964noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6926975745479736407.post-5194136610417492972011-10-21T15:01:00.000-07:002011-10-21T15:04:10.974-07:00People with clean desks will love Google+<div class="yiv1897002920msonormal" style="margin: auto 0in; text-align: left;">The world’s population just passed the 7 billion mark and nearly 10% of them are on Facebook.<br />
<br />
</div><div class="yiv1897002920msonormal" style="margin: auto 0in;">This means that if Facebook were a country, it would be big enough to start World War III. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know, because someone who seems likely to invade Poland just friended me. <br />
<br />
</div><div class="yiv1897002920msonormal" style="margin: auto 0in;">My personal Facebook page is completely out of control, mostly because I’m too easy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But after experiencing rejection firsthand, I hate to shun anyone unless they’re from the publishing industry. Besides, you never know when some complete stranger will turn out to be interesting, or bring the FBI to your front door.<br />
<br />
</div><div class="yiv1897002920msonormal" style="margin: auto 0in;">Given the cacophony of Facebook, Google+ has some initial appeal. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>G+ has a very sleek dashboard, there are no Mafia Wars, and with less than 1% of the planet onboard, it’s not crowded. <br />
<br />
</div><div class="yiv1897002920msonormal" style="margin: auto 0in;">G+ might even be stable, though one of the more entertaining aspects of Facebook is the way people freak out every time it changes. Facebook is Mark Zuckerberg’s revenge on those of us with IQ’s less than 180. As soon as people figure out the current version, he rearranges everything and laughs while we squirm and call him Satan.<br />
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</div><div class="yiv1897002920msonormal" style="margin: auto 0in;">Megabucks Mark keeps changing the rules so nobody ever understands what’s happening. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Privacy? Forget it. I suspect that someday we’ll learn Mark was a CIA agent. <br />
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</div><div class="yiv1897002920msonormal" style="margin: auto 0in;">G+ attacks the endearing chaos of Facebook by allowing you to set up nice, controled circles of people who can only see you. You are the hub, they are the spokes. You broadcast, they respond. That's all G+ does. This is fine for control freaks, but as media goes, it’s not exactly “social.”<br />
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</div><div class="yiv1897002920msonormal" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; margin: auto 0in;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipE912CygQfYNVBrXNWeGPs75JhJbwe_LgCzyM7Q6jQM2VGj7UVnBtwsgrJYeIYvaf7m40ylBxQB6cdljcpA1oa1LDviN3geMmaHGub2zHzwIKy73Z3xGAR_HkhVLNIOKZCHGwtMSIkXps/s1600/facebook+vs+google%252B.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" rda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipE912CygQfYNVBrXNWeGPs75JhJbwe_LgCzyM7Q6jQM2VGj7UVnBtwsgrJYeIYvaf7m40ylBxQB6cdljcpA1oa1LDviN3geMmaHGub2zHzwIKy73Z3xGAR_HkhVLNIOKZCHGwtMSIkXps/s200/facebook+vs+google%252B.png" width="146" /></a>People with clean desks will love Google+. <br />
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</div><div class="yiv1897002920msonormal" style="margin: auto 0in;">Facebook takes the messy desk approach--it's an ever expanding mess, nearly impossible to organize. Every time you post something, all of your friends can weigh in and insult each other.<br />
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</div><div class="yiv1897002920msonormal" style="margin: auto 0in;">So, good luck trying to have serious interactions on Facebook. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can announce your own funeral and one of your so-called friends will derail the conversation with a rant about the ozone layer or a cute video of a cat riding a pony.<br />
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</div><div class="yiv1897002920msonormal" style="margin: auto 0in;">Facebook does offer organization features, but just because my desk offers drawers doesn’t mean they aren’t overflowing with gum wrappers and paper clips. Not that any of my "friends" resemble paper clips, but some are pretty twisted. In theory, I could group them all into my Facebook paper clip drawer and quarantine them from harassing my more sedate acquaintances, but what fun would that be?<br />
<br />
</div><div class="yiv1897002920msonormal" style="margin: auto 0in;">Facebook reminds me of a party I once hosted for people who knew me but didn’t know each other. They had nothing in common except me, which wasn’t enough to keep them from offending each other. <br />
<br />
</div><div class="yiv1897002920msonormal" style="margin: auto 0in;">The party was a disaster until we started drinking, and then a fight broke out. The two combatants eventually left to start revolutions in their respective countries which is something else that will never happen with Google+.<br />
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</div><div class="yiv1897002920msonormal" style="margin: auto 0in; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.facebook.com/noroadsleadtorome">Find me on Facebook! </a></div><div class="yiv1897002920msonormal" style="margin: auto 0in;"><br />
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</div><div class="blogger-post-footer">www.noroadsleadtorome.com</div>R.S. Gompertzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427834064510617964noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6926975745479736407.post-31241808205064068212011-10-05T08:00:00.000-07:002011-10-05T08:03:56.967-07:00Save Maggie! Recession hits The Simpsons<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">The cartoon town of Springfield is not immune from the global recession as the Fox Television network demands 45% pay cuts from the cast of The Simpsons.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Will the cuts extend to Montgomery Burns or is austerity only for Homer Simpson? </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Waylon Smithers, a spokesman for the owner of Springfield’s nuclear power plant issued the following statement: “Mr. Burns rejects any notion that he should take a pay cut or roll back his planned 45% increase in the cost of electricity. If pressed to trim his already modest lifestyle, he will be forced to release the hounds.”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">“I guess we all need to do some belt tightening,” said Marge Simpson, as she exited the bowling alley, “but I don’t wear a belt.”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">The man who wears the pants in the family might benefit from some belt tightening but when asked if he would forgo beer and donuts, Homer Simpson just said “D’oh!”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Homer’s neighbor Ned Flanders was more sanguine about the financial crisis, even going so far as to hint that the global downturn was a sign from The Almighty that Springfield’s educators should stop teaching evolution in schools. “I’m just saying,” he said.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Hearing that the school district might be hit, Bart Simpson suggested that his teacher <span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">Edna Krabappel </span>should be sacked. “If I’m a typical result of the school system, then teachers are clearly overpaid.” </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">“A 45% pay cut is a disaster!” said Springfield Mayor Joe Quimby. “We can’t provide the same level of shoddy services if tax revenues fall. Besides, I’m only halfway through remodeling my office.”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">But not all of Springfield is up in arms. Many merchants see upside in the downturn. Apu, owner of the Kwik-E-Mart intends to increase his orders for Duff beer in anticipation of unemployed workers drinking more. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pub owner Moe Szyslak made a similar observation when announcing that he would be open earlier on Sundays.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">The impact is so widespread Troy McClure, the actor you know from the 1977 hit film “Muppets Go Medieval,” announced that the sequel to “Calling All Lumberjacks" will be delayed indefinitely. Crusty the Clown was forced to fire Sideshow Bob.“This time for good,” he said.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Frustrated with facing a jobless future and paying off the debts incurred by reckless baby boomers, Lisa Simpson is currently occupying Wall Street and could not be reached for comment. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGxqhJz20aXl5CPXuTTpdip2rhGGD36KouLEC_e-l7cUuQYdEkhllg4pCkHyMOWhJ5GHYIFVYP9RthMKhkXA9XPmvc0_DLUiT_UJsFB2YEtjL6kQLlr3HWfCP6U4mJW1GaAKn5RklZqD4U/s1600/Homer+gets+the+axe.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="284" kca="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGxqhJz20aXl5CPXuTTpdip2rhGGD36KouLEC_e-l7cUuQYdEkhllg4pCkHyMOWhJ5GHYIFVYP9RthMKhkXA9XPmvc0_DLUiT_UJsFB2YEtjL6kQLlr3HWfCP6U4mJW1GaAKn5RklZqD4U/s320/Homer+gets+the+axe.gif" width="320" /></a></div><div align="center"><span style="font-size: large;"> Will Homer Simpson Get the Axe?</span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">www.noroadsleadtorome.com</div>R.S. Gompertzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427834064510617964noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6926975745479736407.post-11776096697469681332011-09-14T07:41:00.000-07:002012-01-15T08:14:07.072-08:00If Elected, I Will Win!<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="body1"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; mso-ansi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">“If elected, I will win!” </span></span>This was the promise of Pat Paulsen (1927-1997), America’s last great presidential candidate. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Paulsen was a burst of blinding genius in an otherwise dark political night. He predicted the roots of our current political gridlock when he said, </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“<span class="body1"><span style="mso-ansi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles.”</span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">By losing six times, Pat Paulsen proved that there is no room for brains in presidential politics. He told the truth, never a good strategy. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><object width="320" height="266" class="BLOGGER-youtube-video" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0" data-thumbnail-src="http://2.gvt0.com/vi/vsU8_DSmlXY/0.jpg"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/vsU8_DSmlXY&fs=1&source=uds" /><param name="bgcolor" value="#FFFFFF" /><embed width="320" height="266" src="http://www.youtube.com/v/vsU8_DSmlXY&fs=1&source=uds" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed></object></div><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">To paraphrase Adlai Stevenson, another original candidate: thinking people may have voted for Paulsen, but he needed a majority to win.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That’s why I commit to be the dullest president ever. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If elected, I will do nothing. In my second term, I will do even less.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That’s my promise and you can take that to the bank, if you can find one.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When it comes to the presidency, history proves that doing less is more. Consider how unfairly the last few presidents have been vilified for taking so much initiative. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Barack Obama had the bold idea for universal health care. Now we have socialist death panels forcing seniors to overdose on Canadian Viagra.</span></li>
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</div><ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">George W Bush had the original idea of invading a country that had done us no harm. This forward looking, pre-emptive strike is now so unappreciated that nobody wants to pay for it.</span></li>
</ul><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Bill Clinton had the unusual idea to de-regulate banks and let them engage in innovative risks with hardly any capital to cover their <s>bets</s> investments. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People hated Clinton. Now they hate banks, too. </span></li>
</ul><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Gerald Ford pardoned Richard Nixon. Now people remember Nixon as a great statesman and Ford as a doofus.</span></li>
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</div><ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Richard Nixon created the Environmental Protection Agency, and the EPA created global warming. Talk about unintended consequences.</span></li>
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</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In the 2012 Presidential Election voters want someone they can believe in, not someone who is thinking.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Now that some of the wackier candidates are running out of money, I intend to get my campaign for the Republican nomination out of the gutter and back on track. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You won’t see me in televised debates because I don’t want to soil my perfect record by saying something intelligent that will be clicked repeatedly by those kids on youtube.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I’ll save my creativity for the sequels to “</span><a href="http://www.noroadsleadtorome.com/"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">No Roads Lead to Rome</span></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">.” The Oval Office looks like a cozy place to write a novel and I look forward to many hours of quiet <s>drinking</s> thinking there. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My books are about the absurdity of large organizations and the misadventures of the humble idealists and conniving opportunists who inhabit them. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I’m confident that the presidency will provide me with plenty of new material. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;"><strong><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Pat Paulsen: Two Faced Politician (1968)</span></strong></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/3oiQhhdz8ys?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="blogger-post-footer">www.noroadsleadtorome.com</div>R.S. Gompertzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427834064510617964noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6926975745479736407.post-32004143967423772732011-08-17T07:51:00.000-07:002011-08-17T08:14:22.775-07:00Abandon the Euro!<div style="text-align: center;"><em>(In the spirit of international misunderstanding, "The Expat's Pajamas: Barcelona" is currently free on </em><a href="http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/29423"><em>smashwords</em></a><em> !)</em></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">I was in Granada, Spain when the first euro coins arrived on January 1, 2002. Anyone familiar with Spanish bureaucracy would have been amazed by the lack of chaos during the currency transition. The ATM's were well stocked with notes, the vendors were ready with euro-to-peseta calculators, and many of the coins had been minted as far back as 1999. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The only problem I saw was a shortage of new coins to make change for the 50-euro notes spewing out of the cash machines. In the shadow of the Alhambra, we made economic union with mixed currencies until the banks re-opened and filled our jingling pockets with images of Cervantes and King Juan Carlos.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">When the New Year’s holiday ended, I observed British tourists frantically spending pesetas and euros on duty-free <i>Brandy de Jerez</i> before leaving Spain. Their kingdom, of course, did not embrace the euro, and still hasn’t.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">This was a good decision.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The UK’s official reason for not joining the original twelve member states in currency unification was that as a major banking center, they didn't want to cede control over their economy to Brussels. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I'm sure there was more to it than that. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I know the British derive great amusement from watching befuddled tourists trying to fathom why two pence is larger than two quid, but that’s not their only reason for holding fast to the pound sterling. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">If the euro took hold in the UK, British citizens would quickly realize that a Big Mac (and just about everything else) in London costs double what it costs in Paris and probably quadruple the price in Portugal. Everyone loves British beef, but that hardly justifies such gouging.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Some sterling enthusiasts feel it would be improper to have images of Queen Elizabeth mixing in people’s pockets with Leonardo’s spread-eagle naked man on the Italian euro coin. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">While Lizzy and Leo might make an immodest pair, I think the real objection is over slang. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">On the continent, the arrival of the euro killed a rich vernacular. On that fateful first day of January, many popular terms for money simply evaporated. Before the euro, a Frenchman could refer to “ten franks” as “<i>dix balles</i>.” A Spaniard could refer to “ten pesetas” as “<i>diez pelas</i>,” and a Greek could refer to “twenty drachmas” as <i>“xyoihm.”</i> After the new currency invaded, many countries saw their mother tongues shrivel as euro-speak took over.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The euro would be devastating for slang in Great Britain. Here’s simple proof: which expression is culturally and linguistically richer? Which phrase is more rustic and evocative?</div><div class="MsoNormal"> (a) “Two quid-bob a pop for your bangers, kippers, rashers and mash, Guv’nuh,” or</div><div class="MsoNormal"> (b) “Three euros for that Big Mac, sir.” </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I rest my case. The euro would be a death sentence for the English language. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The British were wise not to lose linguistic gamut by switching to the sterile uni-currency. There may be light at the end of the euro tunnel, but for the moment the English language emerges victorious.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">In the haste to unify continental markets, a rich lexicon of financial slang was relegated to history. Is it too late to recover? Should the EU ditch the euro and bring back the franc, peseta, drachma, and lira? </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">OK, maybe not the lira, but you get my point. It’s not too late to save the slang.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><em>(In the spirit of international misunderstanding, "The Expat's Pajamas: Barcelona" is currently free on </em><a href="http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/29423"><em>smashwords</em></a><em> !)</em></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">www.noroadsleadtorome.com</div>R.S. Gompertzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18427834064510617964noreply@blogger.com0