In the past few US elections, perfect hair and radiant teeth have swayed the electorate more than policy statements and campaign promises. This is because the only group who truly cares about issues is the independent voters and they don’t decide until the very last minute.
Party loyalists will always vote the ticket, but that’s not enough to win a majority. A Republican candidate can always count on the faithful, and a Democrat can never count on anything. Since the electorate is equally split between the two major parties in most key states and regions, the independents can swing the election.
For candidates struggling with how to win these critical swing voters in November, I offer an easy approach. Assuming you’ve got a good hair and a bright set of teeth, here’s a simple policy menu that will fit all budgets and appetites.
DIY Candidate Menu
Chose one item from each section and start campaigning!
- Legalize Marijuana: this helps conservative candidates because stoners will forget to vote anyway
- Gay Marriage: Help our weak economy with lavish weddings and expensive divorces.
- Abortion: Re-define life to start at graduation
- Foreign Policy: Give Louisiana back to the French
- Gun rights: all citizens issued a hand gun at birth
- Technology: Defend our right to carry concealed iPhones
- Housing Crisis: federally subsided spear guns to all underwater homeowners
- Immigration: Declare a one day, worldwide amnesty where people can change countries.
- Budget Deficit: Sell advertising space on national monuments and aircraft carriers
- Energy Policy: Red Bull
- Austerity Measures: English Breakfast Tea Party
Still hungry? Vote for political humor by reading "No Roads Lead to Rome"