I know better than to compete with Eddie Murphy, but now that he has stepped aside and before Billy Crystal dry cleans his tuxedo, I offer my services to host the 2012 Academy Awards.
I checked my schedule. I can squeeze it in and, frankly, they need my help.
At 84 year’s old, the navel-gazing gala has gotten stale and predictable. Does anyone really want to watch another room full of glitzy people with big shiny teeth pretending to congratulate each other?
It’s time to shake things up.
For starters, we need to move the Oscars out of Hollywood. It’s a great place, but other towns are more deserving.
Imagine what the Oscars could do for Flint, Michigan. The infusion of cash from Oscar related activities could probably solve the Greek debt crisis. Or, what if we held the event in a secret location and made attendees hunt for it?
Better yet, what if we make the event 100% virtual?
Liberal movie stars and toothy glitterati will be thrilled by the first ever Emissions Neutral Academy Awards. No plane flights. No gas-guzzling limos. No klieg lights visible from space. The parched aquifers of Southern California will be spared from thousands of showering hotel guests and hot tub parties.
What if everyone stays home and we webcast the entire event over the Wii channel? I've already chosen my avatar!
By bit torrenting all films directly to your smart phone, we can revolutionize voting. Instead of a secret cabal of industry insiders, everyone will have a say. Besides, nobody understands who the “Academy” is or why its minions never award trophies to Muppet movies.
To liven things up, we’ll offer exciting new awards like “Worst Sequel,” “Dullest Foreign Film,” and “Biggest Dud.” We’ll launch an entire category dedicated to films that rely on excessive special effects instead of actual story telling.
All the silly song and dance numbers will be moved to YouTube. The tedious envelopes and nominations and tearful “thank the academy” speeches will be replaced with live blogs and Twitter hash tags like #insecure-narcissist and #I-don’t-really-own-this-jewelry.
The after-event parties that none of us are ever invited to will be replaced by a more inclusive world-wide discount on pizza delivery.
So, Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, the ball’s in your court. I’ve cleared my calendar. Have your people call mine.