The only thing propping up our weak economy is the roughly $2B being spent on the presidential election. The biblical flood of anonymous, unregulated campaign spending has proven to be a terrific stimulus package for advertisers, caterers, and hair stylists.
Prices and profits are up ever since demand for red, white, and blue balloons caused a global shortage of helium. Our bottomless appetite for imported American flags even prevented a recession in China.
The USA may not have invented Reality TV, but we were quick to turn it into a governing principal.
Season One is full of exciting, scandal-prone novelty candidates with sweater vests, cowboy boots, and quirky ideas about science and geography. Most of these early candidates get booted off the island during the final episode known as “The Primary Election.”
If your favorites don't survive the primaries, there's no need for despair. Many will be back for Season Two cameo appearances in the gala extravaganza called “The Party Convention.”
The party convention is like “Lollapalooza” for people with golf carts.
In deference to Mr. Romney, hurricane-proof hairdos will be on display at the Republican event conveniently scheduled during the peak of tropical storm season in Tampa, FLA.
The Democratic convention will be wrapped in mystery and tension over whether Vice President Biden will be allowed near a microphone.
The main outcome of either convention is the “party platform.” The platform serves the same purpose in politics as in Olympic diving: the competitor must jump off the platform, twist and turn in mid-air, and land in the great bathtub of public approval without splashing anyone. Any candidate who “flip-flops” loses points.
The conventions are largely ignored by real Americans who are either on vacation or getting their feral kids ready to go back to school. The real purpose of the convention is to encourage the party faithful to litter neighborhoods and highways with non-recyclable plasticized yard signs.
Once the conventions are over, the final leg of the campaign marathon begins. Because most voters are loyal to their party, the candidates now engage in symbolic struggle to convert a small percentage of critical swing voters to their side. Appealing to the swing voter forces the tongue-twisting candidates to escape Houdini-like from a variety of contorted positions.
By the end of summer, most voters would rather be water boarded than hear another campaign promise. With the nation’s attention span spent, the short but exciting Season Three offers thrilling twists and a surprise ending in November when everyone texts in their vote and Ryan Seacrest announces the winner.
Can't decide? Vote for Pedro?