End of the World. Again.

As if we didn’t have enough to worry about, it appears that the world might end again.

The problem with end of the world predictions is that they are mostly inaccurate. Besides, people spreading end of the world rumors often have ulterior motives like working for Goldman Sachs or a selling a used Nissan.

Throughout history, the world has ended more times than it has begun. Nostradamus, Mayan calendars, and recent shortages of iPad components have all fed our tendency to assume the worst.

Some doomsday scares have been more real than others. In October, 1962, the entire town of Madison, WI thought the world would end during the Cuban Missile Crisis. So they threw an enormous party. When people woke up hung over the next day, many regretted that the world was still there.

Every religion that I’ve been a member of has some variation on the Armageddon theme. To make things worse, The End is usually coupled with very long lines on judgment day. I question any doctrine that threatens humanity with long lines. Waiting hours on the possibility of grace while brimstone falls from above sounds a lot like being invited  out for sushi in Cleveland. A just God would not do this to us.

The end of the world brings out so many hucksters, false prophets, and sign-wielding doomsayers that it begins to resemble Venice Beach.  Some of these folks are quite convincing.  I’m ashamed to admit how many false Rapture, Apocalypse and "Limited Time Offer!"  scams I’ve fallen for.  I still think that Groupon deal for reserved seating in heaven was worth the price but, in general, anyone peddling shortcuts to paradise should be viewed with skepticism. After all, we’re talking about getting into the afterlife, not cutting in line for the Space Mountain ride at Disneyland.

The bad thing about the end of the world is how weird people can get. Some folks will act pious, others will sin like there’s no tomorrow. As tempting as it is to rob a bank to fund your bucket list, I suggest you try to remain calm. Like all advice I dispense, this is mainly aimed at myself because, honestly, if I knew for sure that the world would end tomorrow, I’d probably trash the place. But on the off chance that we’re still around the day after, I’d rather not be asked to clean up. 

So don’t overdo it, Don’t Panic^TM,  and don’t bother cleaning your garage. Try to look on the bright side: The end of the world may be the fastest way to get “Dancing with the Stars” off the air.

I Feel Fine

Royal Wedding Will Save the World

Many uninformed people criticize the British government for demanding austerity while funding an outlandish and expensive Royal Wedding. These same selfish critics are also questioning Her Majesty's Government's budget-busting 2012 London Summer Olympics and tripling the price of a college education.

But Prince William didn’t create the international economic meltdown and it’s not Lady Kate’s fault that she fell in love with a future monarch.  What kind of Scrooge would deny them the dream wedding they are entitled to?

If people truly understood economics they’d realize that the Royal Wedding is just the kick in the pants that the world economy needs.  This blessed event is a huge transfer of wealth from England to the rest of the world. We all stand to benefit.

Examples abound. Payment for flowers from Africa, tea from Indonesia, and the endless memorabilia from China go directly into the pockets of people who need money the most.  It’s no wonder the British Crown enjoys such world wide appeal.

Yet naysayers abound. “What’s in it for the average British taxpayer?” they demand.

Clearly what’s good for the Royals is good for London. What a windfall for pub owners, hotel workers, Rolls Royce mechanics, and pickpockets! It will take weeks to clean up the mess and that means healthy overtime payments to street sweepers who will turn around and spend that money on Royal Wedding memorabilia.

Southern Europe benefits as well.  While London overflows with free spending tourists, most true Londoners will take extended vacations on Santorini and the Costa del Sol.  In addition to generating goodwill towards the next generation of monarchs, cash spent by Royal Wedding refugees will help resolve the Greek and Spanish fiscal crises.

When amortized over all these benefits, it’s clear that the Royal Wedding is an once-in-a-lifetime fiscal stimulant. And unlike other government stimulus packages, this one keeps on giving. Without an active monarchy, many British newspapers and gossip magazines would fold. For years to come, this Royal Couple will provide more entertainment value than the British movie industry for far less investment.

You don't have to be a royalist to love the Royal Wedding. We should all applaud the British taxpayers for their largesse.

Strong Finish to Week One of my 2012 Presidential Campaign

Like all serious contenders I announced my Republican Party candidacy for the 2012 presidential nomination on Facebook.

My candidacy is motivated by the “fierce urgency of now” because my hairline is receding and all serious candidates have great hair. If Donald Trump intends to take great hair to the next level,  I can’t afford to wait.

By the end of Day One, I knew I could be president because none of the Facebook friends who actually know me reacted to my announcement.  This was a relief since anyone--and I mean anyone -who actually knows me could seriously hurt my prospects. To whit, I’m fully prepared to offer ambassadorships in exchange for pretending we’ve never met. (This won’t cost the nation much because most of my high school friends don’t remember high school anyway.)

On Day Two I realized that I need a platform. I need to stand for something, something important. What about education? Boring! Energy independence? Yeah, right.  The problem with these themes is that all the other candidates will be trumpeting their solutions and then, once in office, doing the opposite.

To stand out from the crowd, I intend to traffic in big hairy audacious goals (BHAG’s). To stake my claim as a BHAG man, I offer this early glimpse at my emerging platform:

• Environment: Pave all national parks to make them razor scooter accessible.  
• Foreign Policy: Turn the Middle East into a giant Disney theme park called “Holy Land.”
• Immigration: A single identity card for everyone. Two for schizophrenics.
• Energy: Red Bull.
• Education: Let’s stop blaming teachers and start blaming principals.
• Budget Deficit: Auction the next profile on Mt Rushmore to the highest bidder.
• National Defense: End the current wars, start some new ones--ideally some we can win.

Admittedly, these visions are so big, they border on hallucinations. But a BHAG full of  buzz will get us through times of no money better than money will get us through times of no buzz.

On Day Three, I wrestled with my lack of experience.  I’ve never had a job I was qualified for, but the presidency is different. To be president, I will need to be spectacularly unqualified.

By Day Four, the challenge of running a national campaign with a battery-sucking iPhone was painfully apparent. While I looked for a suitable Starbucks to use as a headquarters, my political opponents were already ravaging the early primary states.

How will I capture the hearts and minds of voters in Iowa and New Hampshire without visiting those forgettable backwaters?

Bold decisions will be the currency of my campaign! Rather than kowtow to voters in places I couldn’t care less about, I will limit my physical campaign to low cost vacation spots and coastal states with free Wi-Fi. Voters in all of the other places will learn about me through Twitter.

By Day Five, I was mentally and physically exhausted. I still felt pretty good spiritually until I learned that even Jewish candidates are expected to go to church. I had never realized how many different kinds of churches this country has. What if I choose the wrong ones?

By Saturday, the campaign grind was taking a tool. I needed a break, badly. Fortunately both the weekend and my Netflix shipment had now arrived, so I took some time off to watch “West Wing” reruns and respond to hate mail.

But make no mistake, America. Rest assured that, come Monday, I’ll be back on the campaign trail, working hard to earn your vote so that I can live rent free for the next four years.