An Independent Menu for Struggling Candidates

In the past few US elections, perfect hair and radiant teeth have swayed the electorate more than policy statements and campaign promises. This is because the only group who truly cares about issues is the independent voters and they don’t decide until the very last minute.

Party loyalists will always vote the ticket, but that’s not enough to win a majority. A Republican candidate can always count on the faithful, and a Democrat can never count on anything.  Since the electorate is equally split between the two major parties in most key states and regions, the independents can swing the election.

For candidates struggling with how to win these critical swing voters in November, I offer an easy approach. Assuming you’ve got a good hair and a bright set of teeth, here’s a simple policy menu that will fit all budgets and appetites.

DIY Candidate Menu

Chose one item from each section and start campaigning!

Appetizer

• Legalize Marijuana: this helps conservative candidates because stoners will forget to vote anyway
• Gay Marriage: Help our weak economy with lavish weddings and expensive divorces.

Entrée

• Abortion: Re-define life to start at graduation
• Foreign Policy: Give Louisiana back to the French
• Gun rights: all citizens issued a hand gun at birth

Side Dish

• Technology: Defend our right to carry concealed iPhones
• Housing Crisis: federally subsided spear guns to all underwater homeowners

Desert

• Immigration: Declare a one day, worldwide amnesty where people can change countries.
• Budget Deficit: Sell advertising space on national monuments and aircraft carriers

Beverage

• Energy Policy: Red Bull
• Austerity Measures:  English Breakfast Tea Party

 Still hungry? Vote for political humor by reading "No Roads Lead to Rome"

What’s good for GM is good for America

As I prepare my surprise bid for the Republican Party candidate for president, I’ve burned my platform down to just one plank: absolute support for gay marriage in all 50 states and Alaska.

That’s right. In order to jump start the economy, it’s time to nationalize GM.

Anyone who follows American election politics knows that certain unions are a hotter topic than climate change. Some will say I’m taking this position out of opportunism. Others may think me altruistic, but since when has altruism helped anyone?

I believe that if two people are in love and determined to screw things up, they should be allowed to form a union. It’s only fair. Everyone should be free to wed, start a family, and mess up the next generation the same way our parents did with us.

Like us, the kids will be all right.   There’s no evidence that children of GMs will turn out any worse than the others.  Thanks to Nintendo, most kids barely interact with their parents anyway.   

But love and fairness are not the reasons I’ll legalize GM as president. Sure, I’m for all that squishy stuff, but my GM position is based on cold-hearted economics.

If traditional marriage is good for the economy, GM will be even better.

Just imagine how much those wedding parties will cost and how much champagne the guests will drink.

Modernizing the definition of marriage is our fastest ticket out of the Great Recession. This can't be a state by state affair. Nationalizing GM will provide an instant boon to businesses. The sudden cash infusion to wedding planners and florists, hotels and caterers will be so lucrative the Democrats might propose a GM windfall tax.

GM ceremonies, bridal registries and honeymoons will create a multi-billion dollar industry overnight. The miracle of P-town will be duplicated so quickly that I’m shocked that Mitt Romney, the business-minded former Governor of the P-town State, hasn’t scooped me on this issue.

GM is a gift that keeps on giving. Assuming these new unions will be no more successful than their traditional brethren, the economy will benefit twofold: once from the celebrations, and later from the orgy of spending on divorce lawyers.

Since most divorced people eventually remarry, GM will be one of the most virtuous cycles in economics.

This is a great issue for business minded Republican Party leadership. Embracing GM is both fiscally responsible and consistent with the Republican principle of getting big government out of people’s lives.

GM is so logical, that I anticipate the other candidates will quickly adopt my wide stance on the topic and that’s fine with me. A good idea has many fathers and what’s good for GM is good for America. 

Predictions: 2012 Looking Pretty Stupid

Here are my most optimistic predictions for 2012!

Science:

The Higgs Boson will be found right where Higgs left it.

Experts will determine that Stonehenge is an ancient parking structure.

The world won’t end in 2012 but by December we’ll wish it had.

NASA will discover many earth-like planets, none with chocolate.

Politics:

In a bi-parisan breakthrough, the US Congress will agree to start 2012 on Jan 1.

In an epic flip-flop, Mitt Romney will deny he’s ever run for president.

Testing the Supreme Court ruling that corporations are people, Exxon will be elected President of the US.

Excited by the possibility of an ignorant populace, US Congress will completely defund education.

Commerce:

Facebook and Google will merge to form Face-Goo. 

Italy will propose replacing the Euro with a new currency called the Nero.

The stock market will go up, then down, then sideways.

Culture:

Diana Ross will reunite with the Supreme Court.

Queen Elizabeth’s Diamond Jubilee party will be louder than the Sex Pistol’s reunion concert.

The Rolling Stone’s 50^th anniversary tour will be sponsored by Ibuprofen.

Mumford will have a daughter.