What’s good for GM is good for America

As I prepare my surprise bid for the Republican Party candidate for president, I’ve burned my platform down to just one plank: absolute support for gay marriage in all 50 states and Alaska.

That’s right. In order to jump start the economy, it’s time to nationalize GM.

Anyone who follows American election politics knows that certain unions are a hotter topic than climate change. Some will say I’m taking this position out of opportunism. Others may think me altruistic, but since when has altruism helped anyone?

I believe that if two people are in love and determined to screw things up, they should be allowed to form a union. It’s only fair. Everyone should be free to wed, start a family, and mess up the next generation the same way our parents did with us.

Like us, the kids will be all right.   There’s no evidence that children of GMs will turn out any worse than the others.  Thanks to Nintendo, most kids barely interact with their parents anyway.   

But love and fairness are not the reasons I’ll legalize GM as president. Sure, I’m for all that squishy stuff, but my GM position is based on cold-hearted economics.

If traditional marriage is good for the economy, GM will be even better.

Just imagine how much those wedding parties will cost and how much champagne the guests will drink.

Modernizing the definition of marriage is our fastest ticket out of the Great Recession. This can't be a state by state affair. Nationalizing GM will provide an instant boon to businesses. The sudden cash infusion to wedding planners and florists, hotels and caterers will be so lucrative the Democrats might propose a GM windfall tax.

GM ceremonies, bridal registries and honeymoons will create a multi-billion dollar industry overnight. The miracle of P-town will be duplicated so quickly that I’m shocked that Mitt Romney, the business-minded former Governor of the P-town State, hasn’t scooped me on this issue.

GM is a gift that keeps on giving. Assuming these new unions will be no more successful than their traditional brethren, the economy will benefit twofold: once from the celebrations, and later from the orgy of spending on divorce lawyers.

Since most divorced people eventually remarry, GM will be one of the most virtuous cycles in economics.

This is a great issue for business minded Republican Party leadership. Embracing GM is both fiscally responsible and consistent with the Republican principle of getting big government out of people’s lives.

GM is so logical, that I anticipate the other candidates will quickly adopt my wide stance on the topic and that’s fine with me. A good idea has many fathers and what’s good for GM is good for America. 

Predictions: 2012 Looking Pretty Stupid

Here are my most optimistic predictions for 2012!

Science:

The Higgs Boson will be found right where Higgs left it.

Experts will determine that Stonehenge is an ancient parking structure.

The world won’t end in 2012 but by December we’ll wish it had.

NASA will discover many earth-like planets, none with chocolate.

Politics:

In a bi-parisan breakthrough, the US Congress will agree to start 2012 on Jan 1.

In an epic flip-flop, Mitt Romney will deny he’s ever run for president.

Testing the Supreme Court ruling that corporations are people, Exxon will be elected President of the US.

Excited by the possibility of an ignorant populace, US Congress will completely defund education.

Commerce:

Facebook and Google will merge to form Face-Goo. 

Italy will propose replacing the Euro with a new currency called the Nero.

The stock market will go up, then down, then sideways.

Culture:

Diana Ross will reunite with the Supreme Court.

Queen Elizabeth’s Diamond Jubilee party will be louder than the Sex Pistol’s reunion concert.

The Rolling Stone’s 50^th anniversary tour will be sponsored by Ibuprofen.

Mumford will have a daughter.

EU Austerity Plan Forces Spain to Sell its History

(MADRID - TOROPRESS)

To meet EU demands for austerity, Spanish government officials have confirmed their intention to pay down the nation’s deficit by selling famous museums, formerly priceless artworks, and historical heritage sites.

The emerging plan invokes many breakthrough concepts in modern finance including:

·        Turning the medieval town of Toledo into a Spanish Inquisition theme park for kids.

·        Selling Picasso masterpieces on eBay.

·        Allowing advertising in cathedrals.

In addition, commerce officials in Madrid today revealed a series of binding agreements between Spain and Carrefour, the giant French retailer. The accords give Carrefour exclusive rights to build “tasteful, consumer friendly warehouse super-stores” at key heritage sites around the country.

French demolition teams immediately tunneled into the granite beneath the Alhambra where they intend to open Spain’s first underground discount mall next summer.

Construction permits have also been issued for many other sites around the country, including Barcelona’s Sagrada Familia, the Prado, and a series of convenient “Pilgrim Mini Marts” along the Camino de Santiago trail.

Though it may be too late to stop the sales, lawyers for the opposition Socialist Party are said to be looking for loopholes in the contract to block the French chain from “turning our rich cultural heritage into a cathedral to consumerism.”

“Shopping at Carrefour is an even richer cultural heritage,” company spokeswoman, Bea Fuentes, said in response to critics . “People will appreciate being able to see an old Spanish monument and buy bulk toilet paper and Nutella®.”

The government was careful to exempt all properties belonging to the Spanish Crown from the austerity measures, but scandal briefly touched the Royal Family when it was revealed that Carrefour had approached Letizia, Princess of Asturias, seeking her presence at the ribbon cutting ceremony opening Carrefour’s new Reina Sofia® Superstore in Madrid.

In response, a spokesman for the Royal Family made no comment. 

In a parallel development, Carrefour is now negotiating to obtain commercial rights to the Great Mosque of Cordoba. “At first, we didn’t understand the significance of the Cordoba site,” Fuentes admitted. “I mean, is it a church? Is it a mosque? Who's the target demographic? Going forward, we’ll have to simplify the marketing message.”

The austerity plan hit a speed bump when both the government and Carrefour claimed ownership of the art collection in the Prado. “The site’s a mess,” Fuentes insists. “We need to sell all that old artwork to pay for repairs.”

Austerity may turn out to be expensive if Carrefour sues the government for breach of contract. “We bought the Prado with everything in it,” Fuentes said. “Once we get rid of those dreary paintings, we’ll do a little redecorating and that place will have more charm than Paris Disneyland.”

No Roads Lead to Rome

The Prado is a mess